Sometimes I hate that I don't want kids.
Two more of my friends here are pregnant, in the space of a week. I now only have like two good friends who aren't currently pregnant, aren't actively trying to get pregnant, or don't have babies already. I know this makes me a horrible person, but I can't help but be depressed. Why do I have to be the abnormal one who doesn't want kids, at all, ever?
I'll be 27 in eight days...what percentage of 27-year-old women in the world don't have or want kids? Probably like 2%. =P And this is normal (and, objectively speaking, awesome, because how else would mankind continue? lol). I'm the one who's abnormal. But I'm not going to try to get pregnant just so I can fit in. The thought of having a baby is completely repugnant to me. Not because I hate babies, or think having kids is worthless and stupid, or anything like that. But...I've been trying to think of how to describe it...it's sorta like your best friend running up to you one day and saying, "OMG!! I just found out I get to go live in space for the next ten years! I am so ecstatic!" and you having to try to congratulate them. You're glad they're happy and excited, but you feel fake about it because you can't relate to their desire to live in space at all. And of course, most people who want or have kids can't imagine anyone NOT wanting them.
It's very hard to go to dinner with a group of girlfriends and have to sit there mostly in silence because half the night the chat ends up revolving around babies and pregnancy. It's not that most of the moms I know can't carry on a conversation without bringing up kids (because honestly, I really know some of the best moms or wannabe moms ever), it's just the most popular subject. But I don't have a right to be even the slightest bit annoyed because, like I said, I'm the abnormal one, not them. (That's not sarcasm, btw. I am stating a fact.) Every time I get another pregnancy announcement, I feel like I've lost another friend, even though that isn't true. They still love me and want to hang out with me, and I still love them and want to hang out with them. But it is a fact of life that having kids changes people in a huge way, and things will never be quite the same. It's just very difficult for me to deal with when it isn't a change I want for my own life.
I feel like a bad, selfish person just for saying all this, but I had to vent. This was a hard post to write. Because I don't want any of my incredible friends to think that I resent their choices, am not happy that they're happy, don't want to hang out with them anymore, etc. I hope they know that they will always have someone--ie, me--who can hang out with them at the drop of a hat when they need to leave the baby home with daddy and get some adult girl time. Because I'll be one of the few people they know who doesn't say, "Umm, let me see if I can get a babysitter." ;)
But with all that said, I should be able to talk about what makes me sad, right? And what makes me sad is not having any girlfriends right now who are just like me. I think that's legitimate, even though it's an abnormal legitimacy. At least I hope so.