Sometimes I hate that I don't want kids.
Two more of my friends here are pregnant, in the space of a week. I now only have like two good friends who aren't currently pregnant, aren't actively trying to get pregnant, or don't have babies already. I know this makes me a horrible person, but I can't help but be depressed. Why do I have to be the abnormal one who doesn't want kids, at all, ever?
I'll be 27 in eight days...what percentage of 27-year-old women in the world don't have or want kids? Probably like 2%. =P And this is normal (and, objectively speaking, awesome, because how else would mankind continue? lol). I'm the one who's abnormal. But I'm not going to try to get pregnant just so I can fit in. The thought of having a baby is completely repugnant to me. Not because I hate babies, or think having kids is worthless and stupid, or anything like that. But...I've been trying to think of how to describe it...it's sorta like your best friend running up to you one day and saying, "OMG!! I just found out I get to go live in space for the next ten years! I am so ecstatic!" and you having to try to congratulate them. You're glad they're happy and excited, but you feel fake about it because you can't relate to their desire to live in space at all. And of course, most people who want or have kids can't imagine anyone NOT wanting them.
It's very hard to go to dinner with a group of girlfriends and have to sit there mostly in silence because half the night the chat ends up revolving around babies and pregnancy. It's not that most of the moms I know can't carry on a conversation without bringing up kids (because honestly, I really know some of the best moms or wannabe moms ever), it's just the most popular subject. But I don't have a right to be even the slightest bit annoyed because, like I said, I'm the abnormal one, not them. (That's not sarcasm, btw. I am stating a fact.) Every time I get another pregnancy announcement, I feel like I've lost another friend, even though that isn't true. They still love me and want to hang out with me, and I still love them and want to hang out with them. But it is a fact of life that having kids changes people in a huge way, and things will never be quite the same. It's just very difficult for me to deal with when it isn't a change I want for my own life.
I feel like a bad, selfish person just for saying all this, but I had to vent. This was a hard post to write. Because I don't want any of my incredible friends to think that I resent their choices, am not happy that they're happy, don't want to hang out with them anymore, etc. I hope they know that they will always have someone--ie, me--who can hang out with them at the drop of a hat when they need to leave the baby home with daddy and get some adult girl time. Because I'll be one of the few people they know who doesn't say, "Umm, let me see if I can get a babysitter." ;)
But with all that said, I should be able to talk about what makes me sad, right? And what makes me sad is not having any girlfriends right now who are just like me. I think that's legitimate, even though it's an abnormal legitimacy. At least I hope so.
Great post!
ReplyDeleteYou're wonderful Sarah! And NOT abnormal. In the civillian world, not everyone has babies at 19-25, they wait longer! Much longer! Because they want to spend their time on themselves or with their husband or with their friends! And some are exactly like you, and decide they never want children! And that is NOT unnormal! I pinkie promise!!!!
I totally understand. I am 26 going to be 27 at the end of the year. Everyone looks at me like I am crazy for not wanting kids yet at my age because they are all in their early 20's with 1, 2 or 3 kids already. No thanks I like the freedom of getting up and going without worry about a kid. I would rather enjoy life with my husband while we are still in our 20's.
ReplyDeletesarah your not abnormal! you do have kids.. you love them like they are yours.. you spoil them, you take care of them when they are sick. Kids come in all forms.. i dont hate you nor think you are bad person! I love you for who you are!
ReplyDeleteIt's totally legitmate!
ReplyDeleteIt's sad to me that people who are 'different' are (either intentional or not) looked down on for who they are.
Holly
I think this post is absolutely NOT abnormal, and I felt the same way just a few weeks ago! I know that when I would hear a pregnancy announcement a part of me would immediately understand that my friendship with that person had changed - not because either of us had done anything wrong, but because we suddenly hit a fork in the road and each went another way.
ReplyDeleteBritt is right - the civilian world thinks its crazy to have so many babies so young! You and Andrew have a fun marriage, and will be able to do so many wonderful things together that those of us who are breeding Jr's wont be able to do. I said it last night and Ill say it again ... Childfree is an amazing way to be, and you will inevitably be the envy of the soccer mom and dirty diaper set ... myself included.
I know its a hard life to lead, but I promise you there are those kick ass chicks out there who want nothing to do with breeding .... as you meet more of them down the road youll see that not only are your choices normal, but also you did what was right for YOU, and youll be a heck of a lot happier that way.
Just let me tell you, please dont ever go to Disney World without protection :) Im glad you are able to write what you feel honestly, and know that all of us, whether we are breeding an alien, birthing one, or chasing one around, still need the Sarah's of the world in our lives to remind us of how fun we used to be before we became obsessed with Diaper Genies and Maternity Pants.
Although, I do firmly believe maternity pants are one luxury everyone should afford themselves.
I think you are perfectly normal :) Some women want them, some don't. I responded in your other blog, but hang in there!
ReplyDeleteand my Google isnt logging in ha ha it is Teresa.
I can understand the feeling - it wasn't that we never wanted kids, but if we hadn't gotten a "surprise!" we probably would still be "not pregnant and not trying."
ReplyDeleteI still don't like that a lot of women can't get together without discussing babies - I was at a friend's, uh, personals shower, a couple of months ago, and because I was pregnant, a ton of conversation was, of course, pregnancy and babies (not even baby making, which would have been relevant ;-). I felt like my poor friend's shower got partially hijacked for a little while, and there were maybe two women there who weren't moms or moms to be. It can be SO boring when you're not in a childrearing stage and that's all you ever hear about.
You know I don't really want kids either (though I don't know if that'll change when/if I marry), so it does get a little tiring when every conversation is about babies! Fortunately, most of my local friends are single and childless like me, but online is a different story. And you'd think hearing more and more about motherhood would sway me, but it makes me less interested! You're right that it's uncommon. I feel bad about it because there's a lot of pressure about this in Christian circles. I don't really know what to think about myself.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I hear you in that it would be easier to want kids. But for me as a single, I'm actually very grateful I don't want them so it's not one more thing I'm wishing for. :P I can't imagine the pressure you probably feel as a married woman. At least I'll be married late enough that people might be more understanding toward me if I don't have any.
Aw, Sarah, I'm so sorry you feel this way. I'm not sorry you don't want a child because that's really up to each of us to make that choice, but I'm sad you feel excluded. I think it's cool that you're one of those married women without children, though--you get to be the cool aunt or (like you said) the friend who others want to hang out with since your schedule is so flexible.
ReplyDelete*hugs*
I know I had kids young, but sometimes I wish we'd waited. Life kid-free is a lot of fun. :)
In this world, I feel abnormal for wanting more children, when i have three. People look down on me when I tell them that I love children and long for more. I love homeschooling and being home with them, and people think that's weird. It's pretty upsetting, so I can understand how it must feel to be on the other side. However, it makes me insane to see moms who aren't content and happy in the state that they are in. They constantly are looking forward to the next season of life, or constantly complaint to me about how miserable life is with their kids, etc. I wish they'd just be quiet and realize that this is their life,a nd take the time to enjoy each season they've been given and not take it for granted. I don't. So, my advice to you is to not worry about what others say. Also, I wonder if you may be called to something by God? I'm not sure what, exactly, but maybe you are called to something that would be easier for you to accomplish without children. Don't overlook this. Always be attuned to the Holy Spirit, as you go about you day, for Him to point you in the direction He wants you to go. As long as you are not, not wanting children for selfish reasons, than I would say that God hasn't put the desire in your heart for a special reason. You may need to start praying and asking Him why? Rachelle
ReplyDeleteYou're not weird. Just sayin.
ReplyDeleteBut I do understand the whole feeling out of the loop with the rest of your friends....
I don't think that's abnormal at all! In fact, I'd say it's quite common these days for couples to not want children for many reasons. That said, I know how you feel. Before I had a kid I was also always sad when one of my friends got pregnant. (After all, we were kid-less for nearly 7 years of marriage!) Sure, I was happy for them, but not at all for me, because I knew I was about to see a lot less of them. Now I have a kid and do miss the freedom of not having one, although I wouldn't trade him for anything. But if you recall, the only reason we started adopting when we did is because we knew that we did want kids one day and it takes so long to do the whole process that we figured we'd better start before we really wanted a kid because otherwise it'd be even more torturous of a waiting process. To be honest I don't feel like I ever got to the point of really wanting a kid. Our life was perfect and we were quite settled in our kid-less ways. I don't think it was irresponsible to start before we really wanted a kid, because I knew we'd adapt, and we have, but our life really was quite perfect before... and I'd say it is now, too, now that we've all adjusted. But if you read my LJ when we first got home, you'd know it took me a while to attach, very likely because I don't think I'd ever actually be ready for a kid as in wanting one really badly, although I eventually love them when they get here.
ReplyDeleteAnother level, I also get what you're saying because I feel so very abnormal about the adoption thing. There are so many people who just do not understand not caring about passing on your genes or blood or having kids that look like you or wanting to be pregnant or knowing that a little person out there is a mixture of my husband and myself. I just could not care any less about those things, and people have trouble comprehending that since those things are natural, and we are abnormal. Those who don't know just assume that one of us is infertile, because why else would we adopt? But I've pretty much accepted that even as adoption is more common these days, we're still going to be abnormal.
Also, you've been married for 3½ years. I realize that it's common to have kids quickly in the military, but jeez, it took us nearly 7 years to actually have a kid in our house. And you guys aren't even in your 30s yet! I say start worrying about this when you're 42 or something. LOL. You can always change your mind and want kids later, or stay this way adamantly and others will eventually realize and stop bugging you.
And finally, I agree with everything your friend Rachelle Phipps said above. She seems like a wise person. I wonder what ministry God may have for you that having kids might hinder? Perhaps a continued ministry to Army wives (or maybe single women who are serving?), or a youth ministry in which you can stay up to all hours of the night and be the "fun couple"? Or a career as a psychologist in which you work long hours helping people and would not leave time for children? It's exciting to think about! Just don't waste the opportunities brought to you. Not that I worry that you will. You're a go-getter! =o)
I felt kind of like an A hole that we talked so much about lame babies! Hahaha, I don't think there is anything wrong with you at all! We assumed we couldn't have any and were completely on the "no babies for us" train. At least for the next 5 years or so when we could adopt, but here we are, on the baby train! I love having you as a friend, and I want you to know that even though we are on two separate paths that I know how you feel! Enjoy life, enjoy your husband, and freedom! You can't get your younger years back, I can't imagine why anyone would want to immediately tie themselves down so young, but it happens all the time. I do have one question though....just because I'm curious, and I like to play devil's advocate sometimes....what would happen if you had an "oopsie"? Oh and going off of Anne's advice, stay away from Hawaii too! LOL
ReplyDeleteLove you Sarah and as one of your non preggo friends who are not trying right now :) You are not abnormal! You also already have two babies, they are just covered in fur! :)
ReplyDelete